Getting Funky: Or, How This April Was Not So Much Enchanted to the Extent that It Resembled an August; Sigh.

One of the two von Arnim novels my thesis is on is called The Enchanted April. If you haven't read it (or seen the movie/play), then know that it is the story of four British women who spend an April in Italy. The idyllic atmosphere allows them to escape the stuffiness of their British lives, full of duty and honor. This allows them to be recalled to life (without sacrificing their lives--Sydney) and recalled to love. It is a delightful novel and a delightful situation that I would like to have one day. I've had two Aprils since discovering The Enchanted April; neither of them have been particularly or wholly enchanted.

During April 2010, I was stressed out, trying to finish things, re-reading The Enchanted April, writing about it, grading for 3 classes (150, 316, and Study Abroad), and, oh yeah, planning for, packing for, getting excited about, and going to LONDON! So, this April was not purely, strictly enchanted, but there were enchanted things about it and the ending (coupled with writing on von Arnim and Acing my seminar from Dr. Fox) cast a certain enchantment on the whole that may never be matched or repeated. However, there will be other enchantments and other enchanted Aprils, I'm sure.

This was not one of them.

Sigh.

I wish I had uplifting things to share. Instead, I have a funk to relate. I'll end with my plans for the future and the ways I'm seeking Hope and Faith as those are the only things powerful enough to give me the strength to move forward and do great things.

Or . . .

Maybe we can skip the part where I talk about the funk in detail? Yeah? Let's see what do you need to know . . .

I probably shouldn't have taken a seminar this semester, and I definitely shouldn't have taken the one where my creativity got beaten down until I was saying nothing original or significant. Grad school grade fail #2. Sigh.

I hate it when things end, especially when I'm left without a clear, concrete plan.

I hate it when I have to say goodbye to so many people I love all at once. Between the 15 or so members of my cohort who actually finished and graduated, Hippie Dino Girl's departure to merry old England, certain Geek Out Night Crew members moving to SLC, and Packerboy and Mrs. Foxy's graduation and subsequent departure, I feel a little left behind, a little abandoned, and very happy about the lives and future of all these people whom I love. Mostly though, I just miss them. All of them and the way my life used to be because of them. This is complicated by the fact that my life will soon change in big ways too. The unknown future is scary.

But. The thing is. My known future is scary too. I haven't been productive for 3 weeks now. Dr. Fox gave me finals off from my thesis. Grading was easy to finish off for the semester. I submitted my grades 9 days before the deadline and was done with 376 before finals began. This meant that I had two weeks to work on the Talbot paper, which given the soul-crushing oppression meant I'd work on it for about 4 hours a day. The other 20 hours a day I spent mourning, being frustrated, reading Fables, sleeping (from 3 a.m. to noon), being somewhat social, and lounging about. This is the nature of my funk. I need to shake it and just write my thesis.

I am one, maybe two revisions away from finishing. It feels weird. I feel like I'm already done, and I don't want to finish (mostly because I will be left with nothing concrete in my life, but partially because mourning is hard work (I have to mourn my grades too and the lost of my guarantee to PhD programs, which, let's be honest I never had: High School GPA 3.78, B.A. major GPA 3.76, M.A. GPA 3.78. I'm sensing a pattern. This pattern may not preclude PhD study, but I don't have a guarantee. That's for sure. (I'm also sensing the fact that I am not a 4.0 student. Stupid unrealistic expectations. Sigh.)).

So. There's my funk. I feel less capable than I normally do, but I have a game plan to counteract this funk. I will put it into writing and then I will follow it. (I've been meaning to do this for 3 weeks, but wasn't ready for it. I think I am now. I think.)

1. Meet my bishop tomorrow and move forward with the mission thing. Thanks for participating in my Help Me Plan My Life Quiz. My funk would have me read comic books and eat gummi bears on someone else's dime, but that's not really an option. I definitely need a break from teaching (but I must say: I am a good teacher, and I was meant to teach certain students at certain times during the last two years. I probably shouldn't ever teach 316 again, but I can teach 150 and I'm decent with the lit and will improve with study and experience). Editing for a literary journal or textbook company would be the perfect professional way to pass the year between MA and PhD, and I would love it. I really would. But. For the first time since I was 21 (or maybe even 18), I want to serve a mission. It feels right, and I love the excuse not to worry about dating or having my application rejected. And. It feels very right. I've felt like God had something specific planned for my post-MA. I'm pretty sure that that thing is a mission.

2. In order to really move forward with the mission, I need to finish my thesis. So starting Monday, I will wake up at 10 a.m. (baby steps), shower, go to campus, and work. I think I'm one or maybe two revisions away from scheduling. I'm so close! I just need to do it. And I can. The whole time I was "working" on the Talbot paper, I wished I was (reading comic books and) working on my thesis. It's scary again, but I think it can be fun to get in to it again and revisit my argument in all its originality and splendor. My thesis is modern, and it deals with women. It's what I do, and I can do good things and hard things. I can move forward with my life.

3. Additionally, I want to work out three times a week (yoga, jump roping, ballet, bollywood burn, etc.)

4. I want to go to the temple once every two weeks. (I'm also sitting in on a temple class. Should be fun. (I had to take a long, cynical journey to find the right religion class to sit in on. I think I made it.))

5. I want to read for fun.

6. I want to have fun.

7. I should probably find some sort of a job. Maybe. If I can find something light, yet happy and Katie-like, then I should find a job. If I can't, I'll wait until the thesis is done. It could be a way to get me out of bed though. It's nice to have obligations.

8. I need to finish reading The Book of Mormon (this time around: I'm currently in 3rd Nephi) and then turn towards topical scripture study and/or The Doctrine and Covenants, which I love. There's so much hope and evidence of God's interventionist side in The Doctrine and Covenants.

9. I need to call my family more.

10. I need to read comic books in moderation and find balance in my life as a whole. I think this game plan will get me there as long as I'm disciplined enough to see me through.

So. Goodbye, Funky April. Hello, May. Here's hoping that you will be a little enchanted, very hope-filled, and maybe even a little fruitful. But if not . . . onward and upward until I find the Hope and Peace that will come eventually as I go forward with faith.

Dear Providence,

Here's looking at you, kid

-Katie E.